s m o t h e r
I woke up today already feeling sick.
No, not the type where I feel like I’m under the weather. It’s the type of sick where I’m having such crippling and severe anxiety and depression that I always feel like I’m going to fucking throw up. The worst part about all of this, is that I’m so used to hiding it that no one notices and this is after years of people telling me my problems are irrelevant, invalid and minuscule. But, it’s actually getting to the point where it’s starting to show through in my actions and my facial expressions. You know it’s bad when your boss notices; the person who you’re the farthest away from being emotionally conntected to.
The walls I built so high are crumbling down, but not for anyone. It’s crumbling down because everything hidden behind it is destroying those barriers since there is no more room to hide in my mind anymore. It wants more room; it wants to occupy a bigger space and it has decided to take over my whole body. It’s starting to physically affect me, as opposed to only making my thoughts run wild. My walls are being destroyed from the inside – from my own thoughts, from my own self.
I thought my self-destructive days were over.
God, why do I find it so fucking hard to talk to people about it? Why is it so hard to open up to people? Why is it so hard to ask for help? I’m honestly so fucking sick and tired of wanting to kill myself all the time because of how bad my anxiety and depression is getting. It’s beginning to be normal to feel this way. My anxiety and depression are smothering me. I can barely breathe half the time, and no, it’s not from smoking. I quit that awhile ago.
I literally choke when I mention my mental illnesses to someone. It’s like my body isn’t allowing me to tell others so they can help me. My depression is holding me captive and I can’t even scream for help because of my anxiety. This is not normal. This should not be happening. This is how shit gets horribly bad.
I’m screaming so loud internally just so I don’t have to listen to my thoughts trying to take over. It’s like I’m being shot at constantly in the chest and my thoughts are barricading my mind from thinking of something positive and it’s suffocating me. I don’t need to hear that I’m not good enough or that I’m worthless or that I’m helpless. I don’t need to hear that shit.
This is going to get to a point where I become dead inside and I will no longer be able to feel for a long time. I’ll be numb. People say it’s better to feel something than nothing at all but honestly, I would rather be numb.
On a sort of lighter note: I’m trying to force myself to eat breakfast and it’s a really hard task, but I’m doing it. I’m probably going to throw this all up in about 10-15 minutes like I did yesterday. It sucks because I really do love food.
Fuck, I need a cigarette.