I know I’ve been posting something every year that I’ve had social media for Mother’s Day, but I deleted every source of it for a few days during that time. I just couldn’t handle it or see the memories on Facebook come up. Visiting her at her grave instead of waking her up with her Mother’s Day scratch ticket and coffee was even worse. Instead, I was laying flowers on the soil she now laid beneath, muttering under my breath how much I love her and that I hope she enjoyed seeing us. Of course, I threw in a few jokes because my mom hated being serious when it comes to stuff like this and during all this, I had a cigarette with her before I left, just like when we would go for a smoke together before we went to bed.
No one really talks about it, but when you lose a parent at a young age, it’s absolute destruction and chaos to a child’s life. Especially when you’re the youngest organizing the funeral and dealing with the backlash of her involvement with bills, the government, and money. There was no time to grieve. Seeing her empty bed everyday after her death has conjured this indescribable heartache that is the most painful heartbreak I have felt and will ever feel for the rest of my life.
A lot of people know that their parents will pass before they do. But, I’m also at that age where I’m old enough to understand that I can get through this, I just don’t feel like I ever will. Chain smoking and hiding in bed for days at a time have become normal to me and that scares me more than anything. Taking care of her when she took sick became my life and losing her made me feel like my life has lost all purpose. I now feel like a zombie that works to pay bills and goes back home to go straight to bed. Rinse and repeat. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore at this point. What I once dreamt of now seems completely pointless.
I came across my diary when I was nine years old and I wrote a letter to God telling him to take me with my mom when he decided it was time for her to go.
And he did. He took my heart and soul with her.
What I found out is that you learn to live with it by distracting yourself as much as possible and pretending you’re okay until (maybe) one day you’ll actually be okay and you finally understand why it happened.
My mom was sick, but her death was still so sudden. We thought we had time, 10 years even, but I just woke up one morning and she was gone. Even when we tried to save her, we were too late.
Even though you know what’s coming, you’re never really prepared for how it actually feels.
And the worst part? Not being able to say goodbye. I’m living with regret and what I could’ve done to be a better daughter to her.
I woke up every day for awhile crying, waking up Kevin from my loud sobs and he would try to comfort me back to sleep.
But I would get up and go to her bed and let the pain settle in deeper. I remember throwing and destroying shit around the house because I didn’t understand why it had to happen or why she wasn’t home yet. I was experiencing denial and anger at the same time. Some days I still experience those feelings.
I didn’t want to make this too long, so I’ll end it at this:
Never take for granted those that you love. You never really know when they’ll be gone. I know this is the most cliche thing ever said by anyone, but I can tell you this from experience, you will regret not showing them how much you really did love them when they were alive.
I love you so fucking much, mom. I am so sorry I wasn’t the best daughter I could be to you, because I know you deserved so much better. I am so sorry I’m not the kind of daughter you could brag about with amazing grades or an amazing career, instead, you let me follow my own path and you were patient, understanding, and so loving and supportive with me, Eric, and Jeff. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother.
And I’m sorry I didn’t wish you a Happy Mother’s Day sooner.
I just wish you were here to celebrate with me.
I’ll be listening to your favourite songs and remember how it was to dance in the kitchen with you when I was a child, even with my two left feet, and see you laugh and watch me butcher a dance with admiration.
I’ll miss you and love you forever.